ecnassianer

---------------------------Why this blog exists---------------------------

I've realized lately that the fact that I don't share my inner turmoils has impeded my progress through life. This log has been designed to share difficulties with other people. It will most likely not contain "We did this happy thing today" posts. My goal is to use it to develop my ability to express my difficulties to other people. Hence the title, Psychological Darkness.

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Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord."
To the contrary, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Rom 12:17-21)

Martin Luther King Jr said some stuff about how your abuser looks the worst when you sit back and take it peacefully. Nobody cares about someone beating a black "rioter", but it looks really bad when a young black college student is cowering under the angry fists of a racist.

I've taken that thought to heart for a while now. I've often loved my enemies because it shows that I'm better than they are. That I've found the mental discipline to perform on a level that someone who hates hasn't. I can sit back and watch the coals that I've heaped on their head burn.

Sounds holy doesn't it?

But really... is that virtue? Or is that just a nicer, perhaps more sophisticated, form of vengeance?

So the Love Assault -- a way of conquering and tearing someone down, by caring and building them and cherishing them and benefiting them (ye olde theologians might seem so parallel-- destroying the old creation by loving the new creation) seems like a good place for me to have passed through, but I'm beginning to think it's not something to be perfected.

I think perhaps Paul would rather that I find love and compassion for the people who hate me, for the sake of love and compassion, not for the sake of sophisticated vengeance. Because after all, vengeance belongs to the lord, he will repay.

There are no angels on earth. Only zombies, vampires, whores, brutish ogres, rapists, sirens, bloodthirsty thieves, liars, and heartless rabid wolves. For some reason, God chooses some of these monsters to be holy. Not one of them is good, not now, not before they were set apart. But he claims a few of these detestable things to be his own.

Psalm 14 says:
The LORD looks down from heaven on the children of man, to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.

Have they no knowledge, all the evildoers who eat up my people as they eat bread and do not call upon the LORD?

There are only corrupt abominations on earth-- these are the children of men. Yet these horrors find "god's people" and eat them. If there are only corrupt abominations on earth, then "god's people" must be corrupt abominations.

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Holy must not mean "without sin", or god's people would be angels instead of beasts. Sinful and Holy are not opposite ends of a dichotomy. You don't move from one end to the other. You can be both. Keep your definitions straight, and stuff makes more sense.

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I've heard people argue that Christianity contradicts itself because we teach that God loves everyone, but the bible says God hated Esau. But if I look for understanding instead of contradiction, I find a lot of very simple explanations. God loves everyone; he has a love-hate relationship with some people. You've probably been in a love-hate relationship, you know it's possible. Sit on it, it'll make sense in the morning, and you'll chuckle at your stubbornness.

I set up a meeting with the pastor of my church. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to be committed to this specific congregation, and that I wanted him to know that I was available to help him in whatever way I could be of use. I also wanted to tell him about my desire to start some kind of monastic order. I gave him a book to read, so he'd have a framework for what I planned to say. I gave him a month to read it.

Things decayed in that month. The last bit of steam I had been storing up sputtered out. I found myself at Project Revolution #3. PR #1 greeted me in LA when I didn't have a home. Ironically, Project Revolution #3 was meeting in my home this year. Things had come full circle and I found myself asking God for some kind of approving words for everything I as doing in life. I wanted some encouragement and some new energy. It took him few hours before he started confirming everything that I'm doing. That week, an internationally recognized speaker challenged my church to.... do everything I've learned to do over the last 5 years... I found some challenge in what he said, but the overwhelming message was that I was doing it all the right way, and I should keep doing it that way. The whole trip, and the coming weeks were "You are there."

But something new came out too. "You are there. Now wait." Wait? The entire paradigm of my spiritual life has been PURSUIT! For years the most basic piece of advice that I wanted to give the world was: "Seek". Seek truth. Seek God, but at the very least, Seek! And God was telling me to wait for him now. From Pursuing Jesus to Waiting for God. It's been a jarring change.

So I started waiting. I stopped pursuing. I stopped agonizing and hustling for the kingdom of God. I started waiting to see what God would do.

And then the meeting with the pastor came up. I told him everything I meant to tell him. That I wanted a house. That I wanted to live something other than the American Dream. He was pretty excited, and told me that he's been thinking about that kind of thing too. Thinking that the church needed it, and that it would fit well. I basically just wanted to inform him of what was brewing, and ended up with another person on my list of "People who might one day be useful to this venture".

And I left. Nothing out of the ordinary. And I mentioned the conversation with my pastor to a friend. She raised here eyebrows and said "Really?" She told me that recently she's been praying about using a fair sum of money to invest in a down payment in a house for such a purpose. She also told me about someone else who might have some money to throw down as well.

Later that evening she told a mutual friend about the conversation I had had with her. The friend said, "Really?". He had just been talking with the founder of our church (something like a Bishop, yeah?) about his desire to live in some kind of community like that. To become inner city monks. And then there was another guy who was part of the conversation, who thought that maybe it was for him too. Two monks, a bishop, a pastor, two investors on the list of "People who might one day be useful to this venture". Cool. And all I did was wait.

Then I went to India. And I did some waiting in India. I thought perhaps I was just waiting until I got to India, but I think the waiting is for longer than that.

Then I got back, and my church had a town hall meeting to approve the budget, and they announced that they were seriously considering buying a house in Crenshaw so that the church would have a permanent presence in the community, and that they wanted community minded Christ-followers willing to live oddly to move in and share ownership of the building. And that they were looking to buy property in the next 90 days.

Wow?

All I did was wait. I don't even think I prayed about it.

Maybe I'll be an Abbot by the end of the year.

I feel like I need a period of purification after returning from India. In the normal sense, of escaping sin, but also in the sense that I need to be of one mind, and not indecisive. I need to sort out what I want. And most importantly, there was a lot of stuff that's too big to handle in India. Some of India needs to be left in India, and I need God to help me with that purification. I don't want any of the effects of the Indian powers and principalities to follow me home, if you know what I mean. You could pray for that.

I'm back from India. If you didn't keep up with my trip over on the team blog you really should go check it out. Nearly all of the posts there are from me, and they're some of my better writing if I do say so myself.

So if you haven't read it yet. Go read it.

A hundred million hours ago in what is sort of this morning, I posted an update at our India Team Blog. I'm in Hong Kong right now, and we'll be headed out to India in an hour or so. Be sure to check the team blog often over the next two weeks to stay updated about my trip.

I may also be posting personal entries in this space as well.

Modest is sexy

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The most beautiful part of a woman is that she's smiling.

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The tomb is empty.

I don't know whether to be discouraged or encouraged.

So there has been much concern over the topic of giving away condoms to prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancy. I'm sure you've heard the argument-- by providing condoms to kids or unmarried people or prostitutes or , you encourage that person to use the condom instead of remaining abstinent.

It's pretty well accepted that prostitution (even with a condom), or having sex at too young of an age is a very bad thing. It's also pretty well accepted that getting AIDS or teen pregnancies are worse. The idea is that the fear of STDs or unwanted pregnancy will keep someone abstinent.

Well, it's interesting, because Jesus doesn't appeal to the same logic when he makes an argument on a different topic. He argues, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Paul summarizes this in a way which is much more direct to my point: "A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband."

Here's my summary: It is best to remain married. Don't get a divorce. But if you do get a divorce, it is better to remain unmarried than to marry again. Don't marry again, it's adultery.

Here's the same logic applied to condoms: It is best to remain abstinent. Don't have sex when you shouldn't but if you do have sex when you shouldn't, it is better to use a condom. Don't have unprotected sex, you'll get AIDS.

Here's some blasphemous muddling I like to do (that most people get offended by), but I feel like it illustrates the point well: Moses advised people about how to avoid needless emotional damage while getting a divorce having underage sex and being prostitutes because he knew that whatever he said, people would do it anyway, and he wanted them to do it in the least painful way possible.

I haven't really taken a stance on giving out free condoms to teenagers and prostitutes before... but I think I'm going to follow Moses's example from now on. ;)

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God seems to have abandoned the "Avoid reality and maybe it will go away" approach, so I'm gonna follow his lead on that. I hope some of those peeps who condemn free condoms will stop getting divorces. (Which in my opinion, is a far worse plague than teen pregnancy.)

I feel like far too often I have to go above and beyond; scramble at the last minute and pull off some last minute super-independant amazingness.

And yes, I have succeeded again.



That is me. With my drivers licence. My only assistant: capitalism. $120 later, with a cool dude from the driving school, and car that had a break and a gas pedel in the passenger seat, I went up to Simi valley (apparently cheating the "saturday appointments should be made a month in advance" rule) and passed the test.

I am very glad that I am a creative and capable enough person to save the day when all hope seems to be lost... but sometimes I wish the day was in danger so often.

People need to keep up. :P

FUUUUUUUUUUCK.


Why do people say they can help with something or do something, and then drag me along never actually doing it, always saying that they will, but never getting around to it. Just tell me no! 80% of the time it would be less work to have just done it myself instead of pestering and nagging and reminding and then still having it not done. At least I could have had time to deal with it if you told me you wouldn't be able to help 2 months ago when I first asked you and you said you wanted to help.

Clean the crap off your plate and keep your word. At least have the decency to cancel on me before the deadline is passed.

This is why...

Because a month ago a high schooler asked me for acting lessons. It's a class she loves, and she's pretty good, but she's a lot better since I've been teaching her. It's simple stuff. But I guess just having a pair of eyes watch and critique makes a big difference.

Because a week ago a preteen came to me and told me she was fat and wanted to be anorexic. I told her the truth-- she was healthy and becoming a normal woman, and that anorexia was a disease that she didn't want to have.

Because tonight a woman who we've been helping to get her life together after leaving an abusive relationship came in and saw me washing dishes. She exclaimed, "You're washing dishes? What a man!" I heard two things in her voice: wide eyed amazement that betrays a hidden envy or longing; I don't know if her ex-husband ever did the dishes. I also heard a wisp of relief. Perhaps relief that her life had come to a better place during the last 3 months, and that she was now with people who cared about her. The woman's daughter was in the room; I didn't understand the Spanish they exchanged, but I think it was the kind of thing that shapes what a young girl looks for when she starts thinking about marriage. Better a dish washer than a wife beater.

Because an hour ago someone was shot on the corner. "Shot in the head", one of the kids tell me. In front of the store where I shop, on the street that I live. Because tomorrow we'll find out who it was. Because who knows what I might do then.

This is why I live in the inner city.

There are many passions in my life. But two stand out.

I have choosen to deny one, so that I can see the other satisified more deeply.

But now I find that the second is not being satisfied as I had hoped. Is it because the denial of the first has gotten in the way? Or is it some other reason?

The point of the denial of the first, is the fulfilment of the second. But if the second isn't being fulfilled, then what purpose does the denial serve?

At what point do I turn from a lifelong intention to a new path? When do I give up hope for the greater passion in order to satisfy the lesser?

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Who can I ask these questions? Who can give me advice? Who will tell me what is best to do? How can I find these answers myself?

Hamlet contemplates death. He is afraid of what he might dream during the sleep of death. Will he dream of cherubim or worms consuming his flesh for eternity? His fear keeps him alive until he can find purpose in life.

I contemplate death. But it's not fear that I find staring back at me from the grave. Instead I see a certain answer to the greatest question of all time. If I die and find myself face to face with God, then I have certainty that destroys the doubt that tortures me.

And if I die, and find myself in hell, then I know that a God is on his throne in heaven, and what suffering could matter when I know that God is on his throne in heaven?

And if I die, and simply rot, then in a sense I have my answer. I embody the answer. I will be brought together with the truth.

And the truth is all I seem to care about anymore.

So I welcome death. I am more prepared for it than I have ever been in my life. The Boy Scouts taught me to be ready to die. They taught me that I should be prepared to give my life for my ideals. But death was still a misfortune. It was a misfortune I was prepared for.

But now, death is a welcome gift, because it will allow me to transcend the veil that hides me from the certainty of truth.

Hamlet pondered suicide, and choose life over the uncertainty of death. But why not embrace death over the uncertainty of life?

But I guess there is something that I want more than the certainty of death. I will never commit suicide because of what I would leave behind. The world's suffering and injustice drives me to madness. I loath the causes of suffering and injustice, and know too well the negative repercussions of suicide. I will never take my life, but when death comes, you won't see me complaining.

Most of my regular readers will receive a higher quality version of this video in the mail soon, but I thought I'd post this here anyway. (I'm also experimenting with that facebook bacon thing that adds entires to my facebook mini-feed. If that's how you found the Psychological Darkness Behind the Clown, welcome).

Part 1:


Part 2:

A friend of mine is going to Ecuador. She has this terrifying worry that when she gets off the plane to meet her host, she'll find herself alone. It's been on other people's minds as well.

But I long for it. To step off a plane with no one to meet me there. To look out at a new land and ask “Nation, what do you have for me?”

She calls for me. I long for her. Oh Pilgrimage, how far away are you? How many months must I wait? My heart flutters when I think of you. My arms shake. You are on my mind daily.

If I disappear one day... I may have run off to her. To see the world, to find my God, to travel with... her.... But don't worry, those of you who love me, the Internet will keep me near to you. When I disappear, check my blog, I will be there.

Wrote this one a few weeks ago.

It has been raining on my parade for some time now. The floats are rather soggy now. This last month has worn me down. I came to a point where my life was not only not sustainable, but almost not continuable. And then I found myself with a month of vacation time. The break has allowed me to begin doing a few Lion things. But what happens when the vacation ends? My life must be restructured. My commitments must be rethought. I have a plan for how it will happen, but I'd rather not air it in public until the concerned parties are informed. Here's a hint:

Our society has an assumption about what we should commit to working. For the poor, living this assumption isn't much of a choice. For the rich, they could give up the assumption at any time, but they choose not to. I'm not really sure why. Anyway, I'm going to break the assumption. I wonder if the concerned parties will have any valid reason to object. If they do, then I will be left with only a more drastic option (which is actually a pretty decent plan B for me).

I've already told a few people what I'm thinking about, and I'll post how it plays out (and what it is) in late January after my vacation is over.

But if that doesn't work? What then. Life has been turbulent ever since I moved to LA. Only my hope of freedom and pilgrimage has really kept me going. Freedom from my debt and freedom to go on a pilgrimage around the world to find God.

I came to LA to find Jesus, among a few other reasons. A while back, all those other reasons paled, and my search for Jesus was all that remained. Ironically, I feel like I've lost Jesus since I've moved to the inner city. Was this move a foolish leap to take? Should I live in Seattle instead? Would I be at peace in Santa Cruz? Maybe the midwest? I could be in Seattle before Febuary.

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Jesus says some strange things about prayer. Things which, at face value, seem to be easily faslifiable. But what is he really saying? The context fractures his promises into 100 different possibilities. Most of which are meaningless. But why would Jesus make a meaningless promise? What was he trying to teach us by saying it the odd way that he does?

Jesus' stranger promises about prayer have broken my ability to request things from God. For months now, I have told God how I feel, what I am concerned about, and spoken to him about things that interest me, but I have only asked for one thing.

For months, I have not asked that my food would be healthy or nuitrious. I have not asked that I would be safe. I have not asked for protection. I have not even asked for my daily bread. None of these things matter.

My one prayer, for myself and for others, has been that we are able to find and be more like God. To be people of his Kingdom and find the path to knowing him. To understand his nature and emulate it. That we would have the strength to grasp his wisdom and enlightenment. And that nothing would stand in the way of our pursuit of him.

When I blessed communion with my small group, I think I said something to this affect: "Whether this bread makes us healthy or sick, make it help us to find you." I would rather lose my health and find God, than live a healthy life alone.

I wonder if anyone has noticed. When they ask me to pray that their sickness would go away, instead I prayed that they would have the strength to find God. Did they notice? No one asked why I hijacked their prayers.

Part of this was a lack of faith on my part. I do not know under what conditions God answers our requests. So I would rather not discourage myself by disproving promises that have never been promised. When I understand the promises (when I have a hypothesis to test), then I will pray for more things. I will pray for healing perhaps; I will pray for health perhaps; I may even pray for safety. Although I'm not sure safety is something I want.

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But what of this morning? This morning I have broken form. I have prayed for 3 new things. Three things which are not directly my search for God. I think perhaps it is a sign of my exhaustion. How much longer can I endure this lifestyle? How much longer before I am irreversibly damaged? How much longer until I fail? I believe that in the matter of enlightenment, it is better to surrender and accept a lesser place, then fail and fall from glory.

So perhaps my three prayers are a white flag of surrender. The pace must slow, or I will break. Or atleast that is how I precieve things.

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This morning I asked for three things.
The first, that the joy and purpose that I used to have would return to me. That God would give everything I do meaning and value. That the games I play, and the stories I tell, and the faces I make would not be empty. I asked that I would feel the rich joy of divinity in everything I do. I have missed this dearly.

My second request, that I would have fear of the lack of the divine taken away. Eternal life and a God that loves you is a wonderful thing. It is also the most compelling explaination for existance that I have found. This is my tiny faith, that the universe is as it seems. But still, an unhealthy fear creeps through my soul. If I am still wrong, then the universe is disappointing. Occasionally I look in the mirror and see only an ape, instead of the image of God. I look around like the psalmist and beg "Where are you God? Have you left me alone?" The world is blank and hollow when these moments take me. Reason and hope hide from me. I pray that the fear of a random universe, the fear of being only an organic computer would be taken away from me. It could come either by making such a possibility into foolishness, or by making me more courageous.

My third request is the simplest and most concerete. It is a request for information. Where should I be. I am looking for a place to be. Is it LA? Was I a fool to leap off a cliff and move here? Should I go somewhere else? God knows me better than I do, and he knows the world better than I do. So I need advice from him. Where should I be?

I very much hope that these prayers come true. Lord, I have the small amount of faith that it takes to ask them, help my unbelief.

Years later, I still cannot believe some of the things he says. How have I missed this stuff until now?

The best translation of Luke 6:30 that I can come up with is:

Give to everyone who begs from you, and if someone takes your stuff, don't ask for it back.

Double-U. Tee. Eff.

This is in the context of the whole "If someone takes your cloak, give them your coat" business, so I'm pretty sure he means what he's saying.

If someone picks up my laptop and walks off with it, I shouldn't ask for it back?!!?

Jesus has a violent disregard for my cultural upbringing.

Long ago I began searching for what it means to "hear from God". What does it mean to listen to a being who has existed before language? A being who's voice spoke the earth into existence, spoke air and ears and sound into existence? It must be broader than hearing words.

I have formed a sort of working definition over the years. As I understand it, to "hear from God" is to experience a series of events which convey meaning.